Good evening Consciousness,
My friends have made me realize... I really don't believe in myself. I'm fearful of either failure or fearful of actually being great at something. Whichever is the case, its definitely putting a block on my growth as a person and this whole soul searching shin dig.
I always hear such great advice when it comes to following your dream. "Don't compare yourself to anyone else." And I know that. I know I shouldn't compare my singing or my guitar playing or my creativity or intelligence to anyone else's. Because I'm not them. BUT I DO.
I really do believe I'm mediocre at singing. Just enough for a karaoke bar or to perform in front of a couple friends for some light entertainment. I'm not spectacular enough to stand out above the rest and actually get famous for it.
At least that's what I believe.
I'm also afraid of taking a path that isn't stable. That isn't a locked in salary job that I will for sure have at the end of the road. I'm afraid of failing at a wild career and having nothing in the end. I'm afraid of being made fun of for trying or being told that I'm crazy. I'm afraid of rejection. Because as you know, I've lived a life of pleasing and always being good at what I do. What if this isn't it? What if my voice or my talents really aren't enough to cut it? It's scary, ya know? Wanting to do something against the medical field. The medical field will always be there. I just need to go to more schooling and fall into more debt to make it happen. But at least I'll have a job on the other end. (Even though today my dad discouraged me into going to SCNM due to the money and it credibility not being accepted in much of the U.S.)
So then what am I looking for? I dream of being a GIVE volunteer guide who gets paid to take students on week long adventures of helping others across the globe. But man does that take money to get into it at first and its really risky because I'm not home half the time and I'm constantly on the move from state to state during recruitment time. I want to learn more about it, but I'm unsure if that's my path to traveling or to a career. I wish I could be one of those risk takers who sells all their stuff and just...goes. Goes wherever and whenever. But I know I'm too much of a realist to just drop it all.
I long to live outside the U.S. I long for my career to be fulfilling and to not feel like work everyday. I long to help others and to look beyond my own selfish desires and provide to those in need. If I could do music, I would do it with a purpose. I would have my passion driven for speaking out for the LGBT community and for any other minorities that feel unsafe or bullied. But then I get fearful again. And I feel like all the "good ideas" are taken and being used already as vessels. And that my ideas (not that I really have any yet) aren't going to stand out enough to make a difference.
I guess I really am just fearful. But as the title of this post clearly states "False Evidence Appearing Real", my fear is something I must overcome to actually get somewhere in life. Because its not real. I'm scared medical school will cause too much financial damage that might not be worth it and I'm scared my talents aren't good enough to make a living off of.
I don't want to be afraid.
I want to be courageous. I want to be free. I want to be strong. I want to believe in myself. I want to find my passion in life and go for it as hard as I can. As stated in Steve Aoki's documentary-- "By All Means Necessary."
Thanks for listening Consciousness.
It's been a positive release.
Monday, January 9, 2017
Sunday, January 8, 2017
Unsure Beginnings
Hello Consciousness,
I'm here to tell you things that my mind doesn't seem to want to give its full attention to. The busy day of waking up, needing to eat, needing to work, needing to pay the bills, and who else knows what -- just gets in the way I guess. I've always been the person who was too scared to sit with my own thoughts. It's easier to just be a robot, or in many cases, just be "something that took up space." Matter. Atoms. Particles.
I've guess I've never truly realized what goes on in my head because as soon as I begin to, it lasts for about 5 minutes and then I forget and move on. So I hope that by writing to you, Consciousness, I'll actually be able to figure out what really goes on up here in my mind. And its discover its relationship to my heart.
I'm 23 years old, about to be 24 next month. In my high school and college days, I always did my best to please others, be good at everything I did (but never exceptional), and looked for day to day passions that kept me happy. Whether it was sports, music, dating, movies, money, hiking or even volunteering. I came out with my girlfriend at the time, December 2012, and it changed my life forever. Let's just say, it didn't fly too well with my moms side of the family or my church group that I attended. I'm kind of over telling all the negative sides to that story, but as for the positive, I've never pushed so hard to be myself that in those following years. I've never gone so far away from "pleasing others" and to just take care of me for once. Well kinda.
Just like many peoples first major relationship, I became too consumed in her well being-- that I lost sight of mine. Even through the hard and gritty times of that 2 year relationship, I did learn that I was an unconditional lover. That I was patient and forgiving. That I could treat someone the way they deserved to be treated. And from then, I pushed on to make sure I could find someone who could do the same for me.
I grew up Christian and through the pressures of the church and my family, I began to wonder why God would make me gay. Why he would make anyone gay for that matter. With all this hatred from his so called "Followers of Christ." Though my ties are close with my direct family, ever since I've come out, I've never felt more distant from my family back home on the East Coast. Even when I visit, I feel like an alien where they're hesitant to talk to me. To ask me about my life.
And it hurts.
A lot.
I grew up very close with all my aunts, uncles and cousins. We all practically lived on the same street. And now it feels like I'm nothing more than that once goody-two shoe niece doing big things to now the one that lives in "sin." Much of my inner turmoil comes from being teased when I was growing up. For either looking like a boy or dressing like one. Or for being too skinny. I grew up hating the way I looked. I dreaded going to church because I never knew what to wear to please my family. I hated wearing shorts because I felt like my legs were so thin. So in turn, I made sure to be nice and respectful to everyone because then at least I was doing something they liked, though I didn't look the way they may have wanted me to.
My self esteem got much better when I moved out to Arizona (age 13) because then I felt like I could change without the pressures of the day to day teasing. It wasn't till my junior year of high school did I begin to feel okay in my own skin. And from there, it was history.
Sorry Consciousness,
For not really knowing how to shortly explain my past. I'm really only interested in the Present but just wanted to give a tiny recap for my sake. Even if it was out of order.
Where I am today:
Well, today I am someone who is longing to find my purpose in life. I'm longing to find that pure joy that will encompass my daily life. I'm tired of social media. I'm tired of seeing hate, greed, lust, conformity, disrespect and just plain out selfishness around the world. I'm tired of feeling anger, frustration, jealousy, anxiousness, fear and sadness. I'm tired of complaining about things that I CAN change, but for some reason don't. I'm tired of living pay check to pay check and for what? To pay my bills. I'm tired of wondering-- is this what I'm suppose to be doing? Cause I feel like I'm meant for so much more. Is that what I truly want in life? Cause I feel like there's something missing. Is this who I truly am? Cause to be honest, I don't know if I'm faking this or if its all real.
I'm craving so much. But not like materialistically. Spiritually. And I'm not sure how to attain what I want. I've started a book called "Who says you can't? You do." by Danial Chidiac and I'm hoping it teaches me how to really dive into finding out who I am and who I want to be. This is why I've opened up this blog, so that I may have a place to write out my thoughts that I seem to only give attention to every now and then. I've recently been trying to learn mediation through Tai Chi. And I'm in the process of bettering my health through the way I eat and workout. I'm trying to find my way in life, whether its through a music career or a medical career. Or maybe something completely different that I haven't come across. Or maybe I'm just too fearful to see as an open door.
With this new year, 2017, I'm hoping to express my suppressed thoughts and face them head on so that I can actually transform. I have much to share, but I shall tell them another time.
Thanks for listening Consciousness.
It's been a positive release.
I'm here to tell you things that my mind doesn't seem to want to give its full attention to. The busy day of waking up, needing to eat, needing to work, needing to pay the bills, and who else knows what -- just gets in the way I guess. I've always been the person who was too scared to sit with my own thoughts. It's easier to just be a robot, or in many cases, just be "something that took up space." Matter. Atoms. Particles.
I've guess I've never truly realized what goes on in my head because as soon as I begin to, it lasts for about 5 minutes and then I forget and move on. So I hope that by writing to you, Consciousness, I'll actually be able to figure out what really goes on up here in my mind. And its discover its relationship to my heart.
I'm 23 years old, about to be 24 next month. In my high school and college days, I always did my best to please others, be good at everything I did (but never exceptional), and looked for day to day passions that kept me happy. Whether it was sports, music, dating, movies, money, hiking or even volunteering. I came out with my girlfriend at the time, December 2012, and it changed my life forever. Let's just say, it didn't fly too well with my moms side of the family or my church group that I attended. I'm kind of over telling all the negative sides to that story, but as for the positive, I've never pushed so hard to be myself that in those following years. I've never gone so far away from "pleasing others" and to just take care of me for once. Well kinda.
Just like many peoples first major relationship, I became too consumed in her well being-- that I lost sight of mine. Even through the hard and gritty times of that 2 year relationship, I did learn that I was an unconditional lover. That I was patient and forgiving. That I could treat someone the way they deserved to be treated. And from then, I pushed on to make sure I could find someone who could do the same for me.
I grew up Christian and through the pressures of the church and my family, I began to wonder why God would make me gay. Why he would make anyone gay for that matter. With all this hatred from his so called "Followers of Christ." Though my ties are close with my direct family, ever since I've come out, I've never felt more distant from my family back home on the East Coast. Even when I visit, I feel like an alien where they're hesitant to talk to me. To ask me about my life.
And it hurts.
A lot.
I grew up very close with all my aunts, uncles and cousins. We all practically lived on the same street. And now it feels like I'm nothing more than that once goody-two shoe niece doing big things to now the one that lives in "sin." Much of my inner turmoil comes from being teased when I was growing up. For either looking like a boy or dressing like one. Or for being too skinny. I grew up hating the way I looked. I dreaded going to church because I never knew what to wear to please my family. I hated wearing shorts because I felt like my legs were so thin. So in turn, I made sure to be nice and respectful to everyone because then at least I was doing something they liked, though I didn't look the way they may have wanted me to.
My self esteem got much better when I moved out to Arizona (age 13) because then I felt like I could change without the pressures of the day to day teasing. It wasn't till my junior year of high school did I begin to feel okay in my own skin. And from there, it was history.
Sorry Consciousness,
For not really knowing how to shortly explain my past. I'm really only interested in the Present but just wanted to give a tiny recap for my sake. Even if it was out of order.
Where I am today:
Well, today I am someone who is longing to find my purpose in life. I'm longing to find that pure joy that will encompass my daily life. I'm tired of social media. I'm tired of seeing hate, greed, lust, conformity, disrespect and just plain out selfishness around the world. I'm tired of feeling anger, frustration, jealousy, anxiousness, fear and sadness. I'm tired of complaining about things that I CAN change, but for some reason don't. I'm tired of living pay check to pay check and for what? To pay my bills. I'm tired of wondering-- is this what I'm suppose to be doing? Cause I feel like I'm meant for so much more. Is that what I truly want in life? Cause I feel like there's something missing. Is this who I truly am? Cause to be honest, I don't know if I'm faking this or if its all real.
I'm craving so much. But not like materialistically. Spiritually. And I'm not sure how to attain what I want. I've started a book called "Who says you can't? You do." by Danial Chidiac and I'm hoping it teaches me how to really dive into finding out who I am and who I want to be. This is why I've opened up this blog, so that I may have a place to write out my thoughts that I seem to only give attention to every now and then. I've recently been trying to learn mediation through Tai Chi. And I'm in the process of bettering my health through the way I eat and workout. I'm trying to find my way in life, whether its through a music career or a medical career. Or maybe something completely different that I haven't come across. Or maybe I'm just too fearful to see as an open door.
With this new year, 2017, I'm hoping to express my suppressed thoughts and face them head on so that I can actually transform. I have much to share, but I shall tell them another time.
Thanks for listening Consciousness.
It's been a positive release.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)