Unsure Beginnings

Hello Consciousness,

I'm here to tell you things that my mind doesn't seem to want to give its full attention to. The busy day of waking up, needing to eat, needing to work, needing to pay the bills, and who else knows what -- just gets in the way I guess. I've always been the person who was too scared to sit with my own thoughts. It's easier to just be a robot, or in many cases, just be "something that took up space." Matter. Atoms. Particles.

I've guess I've never truly realized what goes on in my head because as soon as I begin to, it lasts for about 5 minutes and then I forget and move on. So I hope that by writing to you, Consciousness, I'll actually be able to figure out what really goes on up here in my mind. And its discover its relationship to my heart.

I'm 23 years old, about to be 24 next month. In my high school and college days, I always did my best to please others, be good at everything I did (but never exceptional), and looked for day to day passions that kept me happy. Whether it was sports, music, dating, movies, money, hiking or even volunteering. I came out with my girlfriend at the time, December 2012, and it changed my life forever. Let's just say, it didn't fly too well with my moms side of the family or my church group that I attended. I'm kind of over telling all the negative sides to that story, but as for the positive, I've never pushed so hard to be myself that in those following years. I've never gone so far away from "pleasing others" and to just take care of me for once. Well kinda.

Just like many peoples first major relationship, I became too consumed in her well being-- that I lost sight of mine. Even through the hard and gritty times of that 2 year relationship, I did learn that I was an unconditional lover. That I was patient and forgiving. That I could treat someone the way they deserved to be treated. And from then, I pushed on to make sure I could find someone who could do the same for me.

I grew up Christian and through the pressures of the church and my family, I began to wonder why God would make me gay. Why he would make anyone gay for that matter. With all this hatred from his so called "Followers of Christ." Though my ties are close with my direct family, ever since I've come out, I've never felt more distant from my family back home on the East Coast. Even when I visit, I feel like an alien where they're hesitant to talk to me. To ask me about my life.
And it hurts.
A lot.
I grew up very close with all my aunts, uncles and cousins. We all practically lived on the same street. And now it feels like I'm nothing more than that once goody-two shoe niece doing big things to now the one that lives in "sin." Much of my inner turmoil comes from being teased when I was growing up. For either looking like a boy or dressing like one. Or for being too skinny. I grew up hating the way I looked. I dreaded going to church because I never knew what to wear to please my family. I hated wearing shorts because I felt like my legs were so thin. So in turn, I made sure to be nice and respectful to everyone because then at least I was doing something they liked, though I didn't look the way they may have wanted me to.

My self esteem got much better when I moved out to Arizona (age 13) because then I felt like I could change without the pressures of the day to day teasing. It wasn't till my junior year of high school did I begin to feel okay in my own skin. And from there, it was history.

Sorry Consciousness,
For not really knowing how to shortly explain my past. I'm really only interested in the Present but just wanted to give a tiny recap for my sake. Even if it was out of order.

Where I am today:

Well, today I am someone who is longing to find my purpose in life. I'm longing to find that pure joy that will encompass my daily life. I'm tired of social media. I'm tired of seeing hate, greed, lust, conformity, disrespect and just plain out selfishness around the world. I'm tired of feeling anger, frustration, jealousy, anxiousness, fear and sadness. I'm tired of complaining about things that I CAN change, but for some reason don't. I'm tired of living pay check to pay check and for what? To pay my bills. I'm tired of wondering-- is this what I'm suppose to be doing? Cause I feel like I'm meant for so much more. Is that what I truly want in life? Cause I feel like there's something missing. Is this who I truly am? Cause to be honest, I don't know if I'm faking this or if its all real.

I'm craving so much. But not like materialistically. Spiritually. And I'm not sure how to attain what I want. I've started a book called "Who says you can't? You do." by Danial Chidiac and I'm hoping it teaches me how to really dive into finding out who I am and who I want to be. This is why I've opened up this blog, so that I may have a place to write out my thoughts that I seem to only give attention to every now and then. I've recently been trying to learn mediation through Tai Chi. And I'm in the process of bettering my health through the way I eat and workout. I'm trying to find my way in life, whether its through a music career or a medical career. Or maybe something completely different that I haven't come across. Or maybe I'm just too fearful to see as an open door.

With this new year, 2017, I'm hoping to express my suppressed thoughts and face them head on so that I can actually transform. I have much to share, but I shall tell them another time.

Thanks for listening Consciousness.

It's been a positive release.