False Evidence Appearing Real

Good evening Consciousness,

My friends have made me realize... I really don't believe in myself. I'm fearful of either failure or fearful of actually being great at something. Whichever is the case, its definitely putting a block on my growth as a person and this whole soul searching shin dig.

I always hear such great advice when it comes to following your dream. "Don't compare yourself to anyone else." And I know that. I know I shouldn't compare my singing or my guitar playing or my creativity or intelligence to anyone else's. Because I'm not them. BUT I DO.
I really do believe I'm mediocre at singing. Just enough for a karaoke bar or to perform in front of a couple friends for some light entertainment. I'm not spectacular enough to stand out above the rest and actually get famous for it.

At least that's what I believe.

I'm also afraid of taking a path that isn't stable. That isn't a locked in salary job that I will for sure have at the end of the road. I'm afraid of failing at a wild career and having nothing in the end. I'm afraid of being made fun of for trying or being told that I'm crazy. I'm afraid of rejection. Because as you know, I've lived a life of pleasing and always being good at what I do. What if this isn't it? What if my voice or my talents really aren't enough to cut it? It's scary, ya know? Wanting to do something against the medical field. The medical field will always be there. I just need to go to more schooling and fall into more debt to make it happen. But at least I'll have a job on the other end. (Even though today my dad discouraged me into going to SCNM due to the money and it credibility not being accepted in much of the U.S.)

So then what am I looking for? I dream of being a GIVE volunteer guide who gets paid to take students on week long adventures of helping others across the globe. But man does that take money to get into it at first and its really risky because I'm not home half the time and I'm constantly on the move from state to state during recruitment time. I want to learn more about it, but I'm unsure if that's my path to traveling or to a career. I wish I could be one of those risk takers who sells all their stuff and just...goes. Goes wherever and whenever. But I know I'm too much of a realist to just drop it all.

I long to live outside the U.S. I long for my career to be fulfilling and to not feel like work everyday. I long to help others and to look beyond my own selfish desires and provide to those in need. If I could do music, I would do it with a purpose. I would have my passion driven for speaking out for the LGBT community and for any other minorities that feel unsafe or bullied. But then I get fearful again. And I feel like all the "good ideas" are taken and being used already as vessels. And that my ideas (not that I really have any yet) aren't going to stand out enough to make a difference.

I guess I really am just fearful. But as the title of this post clearly states "False Evidence Appearing Real", my fear is something I must overcome to actually get somewhere in life. Because its not real. I'm scared medical school will cause too much financial damage that might not be worth it and I'm scared my talents aren't good enough to make a living off of.

I don't want to be afraid.
I want to be courageous. I want to be free. I want to be strong. I want to believe in myself. I want to find my passion in life and go for it as hard as I can. As stated in Steve Aoki's documentary-- "By All Means Necessary."

Thanks for listening Consciousness.

It's been a positive release.